Toss of a coin
by DragosDawn
Summary: There was supposed to be only one Lyra Belacqua. But random chance assured that there were two. Something had to happen in the critical moment for both worlds and one one of the universes must cease to exist. On the other hand, Lyra Belacqua mustn't die. So two worlds have to become one as the doomed world concentrates round one little girl
1. TO CHANGE

**CHAPTER 1- TO CHANGE**

She had to close her eyes as she leaned her head against the cold wood of oak wardrobe suddenly remembering things she wasn't supposed to. Her subconscious mind fought against new information, but she clung to them as a drowning man to the straw. She knew she was in a body of Lyra Belacqua who had a daemon named Pantalaimon, but she knew she wasn't her. She doubted she was the other Lyra, too. In the end, she couldn't be. Her mind was suddenly brighter, with memories of a different world. She was both of them, but she was neither of them. They were both named Lyra Belacqua but they lived different lives. Memories suddenly slipped one after another, no matter how hard she tried to keep them. So much effort, so much energy. The darkness of unconsciousness was tempting as she desperately wanted to submit to it or at least to think about it all, but she couldn't. Not with poisoned Tokay in her blurred sight.

She watched the Butler with narrowed eyes, trying to ignore a dull ache in the back of her head. He listened cautiously at the hall door before helping himself to a handful of leaf from the smoking stand. He had hardly replaced the lid when the handle of the other door turned, making him jump nervously. She would have to contain the laugh if she hadn't felt so damn miserable. So she just watched as the Butler hastily stuffed the leaves into his pocket and turned to face incomer.

"Lord Asriel!" he said, and an involuntary shiver ran down Lyra's back. Of course, he would come here. Not what most people would even dare to even think about, but Lord Asriel wasn't most people.

"Good evening, Wren," said Lord Asriel. She was actually glad to hear that harsh voice, but her excitement was mixed with apprehension. "I arrived too late to dine. I'll wait here."

Lyra moved deeper into the darkness of the wardrobe as she clutched her head, but she was still listening carefully. One could say she was almost enjoying herself as her uncle smoothly handled the Butler. Then she almost felt guilty as she was listening to the private conversation between Lord Asriel and his daemon. Almost.

She was suddenly on high alert as her uncle looked at the Tokay with an obvious intention of drinking it. Panic nearly paralyzed her as she tried to think how to get out of this mess. She couldn't just open the wardrobe and take the glass out of his hands. But maybe there was another way. Maybe he didn't even have to catch her. Lyra looked at Pantalaimon and he knew exactly what she wanted from him. He was currently in the form of a white cat, but he quickly changed into a moth, also white, Lyra noticed. She wasn't sure but she felt he was different, too. She really didn't want to think about it, talk with him about it, but now it seemed that she had to. She watched Pantalaimon as he carefully approached Stelmaria and moved closer to her ear. It wasn't possible to hear what he was saying, but she knew it anyway. She held a breath as she knew Stelmaria would attack soon. Would Pan be quick enough to escape?

Stelmaria quickly snatched after Pantalaimon, and he was suddenly falling to the ground, changing to a cat to have at least small chance to fight. The glass fell from Lord Asriel's hand. She couldn't help but whimper as Stelmaria had now growling Pantalaimon pinned to the ground.

"Who's there?" asked Lord Asriel.

She stumbled out of the wardrobe, trying to stay conscious as she felt knew the wave of anger from Stelmaria when Lord Asriel recognized her. She had almost forgotten why she was so afraid of him in the past. But when she looked into his eyes, there wasn't any of that fear left. There was still pain, as her eyes were becoming more and more glassy, but no fear. Stelmaria released Pantalaimon and he quickly changed to a big wolf with glowing red eyes, protectively growling right beside Lyra. They were both exhausted and now that most of the adrenaline was gone, Lyra's eyes were turning even more glassy.

Lord Asriel caught her before she fell to the ground. Pantalaimon turned back into a cat as he fussed around her, but he joined her in the darkness soon afterward. Stelmaria gingerly took Pantalaimon's fur between her fangs and placed him beside Lyra back in the wardrobe where Lord Asriel put her.

"They have grown in quite the interesting way. I almost haven't caught him."

"Yes, they did. It's a shame we won't have time to talk to them."

"Maybe we will."

"What do you mean, Stelmaria?" Lord Asriel asked her carefully.

Stelmaria growled in frustration. He was very well aware of what she meant. "You are tired anyway. You can stay until tomorrow."

"They tried to poison me, Stelmaria. And I still need to be in White Hall in the morning."

"Than be more careful. Master is too cowardly to try a more direct way of assassination. And you know as well as I do that your visit of London isn't as necessary as you are trying to pretend."

"I will go to London. But maybe I could..."

There was a knock on the door.

When Lyra woke up she was half sitting on one of the Master's full-length robes. She immediately noticed that the room was full of scholars now. Lord Asriel was standing in front of them, talking about someone called Grumman. She shifted and started listening, trying to not think about her new memories or her aching head. Finally something interesting. She had a distraction. She was intrigued as they talked about _Dust_ and about Gruman once again. She stayed intrigued even as they started to wrangle back and forth about whether or not they should give him some money to fit out another expedition. Motivations seemed suddenly more interesting in the shadow of Master's failed assassination attempt. But, in the end, she felt her eyes closing. Soon she was fast asleep, with Pantalaimon laying in her lap sleeping in the form of a cat.

She woke up with a start when someone shook her shoulder.

"Quiet," said her uncle. The wardrobe door was open, and he was crouched there against the light. "They've all gone, but there are still some servants around."

"Did they give you the money?" she asked, still a little bit sleepy.

"Yes."

"What exactly is Dust?" she asked, struggling to stand up after having been cramped for so long.

"Nothing to do with you."

"Is it like electrons, photons and the rest? Why does it settle on people? Do we have some particle in us that's polar opposite from the Dust? Kind of like magnetism? Or does it work entirely different way?"

Lord Asriel gave her a thoughtful look and then laughed shortly. Lyra just frustratedly growled and moved to the next question. "Where are you going now?"

"Back to the North. I'm leaving in ten minutes."

"Can I come?"

He stopped what he was doing and looked at her as if for the first time. His daemon turned her great tawny leopard eyes on her too, and under the concentrated gaze of both of them, Lyra blushed. But she gazed back fiercely.

"Your place is here, but maybe-"

"Why? I want to know about Dust. I want to see the Northern Lights and bears and icebergs. And that city in the air. Is it another world?"

"Will you let me finish? You're not coming to the North, child. The times are too dangerous. But I have to be in London tomorrow. I can take you with me. I can send you back when I'll be leaving. Would you like to come?"

"Of course!"

"Good. I'll talk to the Master. Go to your room and take whatever you'll need."

She left and went to her room without a word. She was excited to go to London, but she would still rather go to the North.

Master was frowning as he watched her leave. She took notice. She could understand his reluctance to let her go with a man he tried to poisoned mere hours ago but both she and her uncle were stubborn and he hadn't had any power over Lord Asriel. She anxiously clutched Master's gift for her. She didn't know what she was supposed to do with it, but she knew it was called Alethiometer and she had enough time to quickly sneak into the library and grab a book about it. They quickly got on the train that waited especially for Lord Asriel.

"Since when is he albino?" asked Lord Asriel, pointing at Pantalaimon, currently in the form of white Shadowcat with black stripes and red glowing eyes. Pan immediately looked straight at Lord Asriel but said nothing. Lyra just shrugged.

"I don't know. It just happened. He likes it this way."

Lord Asriel smirked. "Liar." Stelmaria looked equally amused as she poked Pantalaimon with her head, making him stumble. He growled, but she didn't take it seriously. Adult Shadowcat would be bigger than her, but Pan had still some growing to do. Her uncle looked at the two daemons curiously, but then back at her.

"You are different. Same, but different."

"Of course. It's called growing up. You haven't been in Jordan for almost a year."

He pierced her with his eyes, but she didn't back down. Then he just huffed, obviously amused and finally sat down with his ankle resting on the other knee. He motioned for her to sit opposite to him.

"Was it Master that tried to poison me? I never got the chance to ask."

"Yes. He was talking about some horrible consequences if you proceed with your plans."

"I must say, I'm surprised. Your daemon almost got away from Stelmaria. I would never know who warned me. I would try to find them, of course. But to look to the wardrobe? No. What kind of person would hide into the wardrobe with no way to escape?" Lord Asriel laughed as he saw Lyra's expression. "Don't get me wrong. I'm aware that your circumstances were quite different. It just surprised me. I would expect of you to at least make some noise or to just straight jump out of that wardrobe and smash that glass into the ground."

Lyra bit her lower lip, because that was exactly what she would do a few days ago and change in herself terrified her. Memories disappeared, now fogged, almost nonexistent, but she knew they were still somewhere in her mind and she felt different. She wasn't so sure about herself anymore. Pan was different, too. He was albino, first of all, and he wasn't changing as often as he used to. She remembered how terrified she used to be about him settling down, but it was strangely calming now. And now that she fought about it, she didn't saw him as ermine since they changed. Most of the time, he was either cat, wolf, or his new favorite form, shadowcat. Shadowcat was cool, but she really liked when he was ermine. And then there were these memories of another world. The world with other Lyra. The world with more... technology. She was sure there was some connection between the town in the sky Lord Asriel was showing scholars and her new memories but she wasn't entirely sure what it was.

"I almost panicked. But then I thought that maybe if Pan could change into a moth, maybe he could get away with warning Stelmaria without being caught."

"Smart. Now, tell me, what have you learned since the last time I saw you?"

That was to be expected. He never forgot to ask her that. She tried to sort the memories, new ones suddenly creeping in as her head started pounding all over again. And there were things she couldn't tell, but there were some that she could. So she combined they knowledge. The other Lyra was similar, but at the same time so very different. She wasn't raised by scholars, but she liked books. And now Lyra suddenly had memories of books she never bothered to read, some stories were imaginary, the kind she often told other children, and some were full of useful information. She talked as new memories continued to creep in, trying and failing at ignoring her pounding head, rubbing her forehead all the time. There was another difference between the two of them, she realized with one of the new memories. The other Lyra had a father. And then, as if she was stricken by the lightening bolt, she froze in the middle of the sentence. Other Lyra's father was different Lord Asriel. Memories suddenly overwhelmed her all over again, rushing in as she clutched her head. Memories of a family. Lord Asriel was suddenly beside her, but he only made it worse as she was reminded of other Lyra's life even more. She felt ruggedly hands gently catch her as she drifted into darkness for the second time that day.

Lord Asriel had to admit that he was concerned, as he was tightly clenching Stelmaria's fur. They were both restless. Tired to the death, but restless all the same. He stared at his daughter with something that resembled fear most of all. All those years he never spent too much time with her. He was proud of her, of course, but he didn't need to see her that often. He was a busy man and he always told himself that she was safe. And that was enough.

If someone wanted to insult him, they could simply tell him that he was sentimental or irrational. Yet, he was reluctant to listen to the rational part of him, telling him that she was just overwhelmed with everything. But she was so strong. Almost invincible. It wasn't in her nature to be overwhelmed easily. Could it be something more serious?

He frowned. He could let it go for now, but he would be watching her for the next few days. He looked at the Stelmaria for the last time and meet his daemon's green eyes. They had to keep her safe no matter what. She could hate him and he could hate her, even if he doubted himself to be capable of such emotion towards her, but she had to stay safe. He shifted his body to a more comfortable position. There was nothing he could do now. Tomorrow, he will think about it tomorrow.


	2. THE GOLDEN WARNING

**CHAPTER 2- THE GOLDEN WARNING**

Lyra once again woke up staring into her fa… uncle's eyes. She cursed herself, as she could consciously remember other Lyra's memories of Lord Asriel now. It was so confusing and she had no idea how to feel about him. In one world he was distant, frightening but somewhat caring uncle and in the other, he was if not frightening at least respectable father, who was always there if he didn't have to work.

"We are here," he said and his normally harsh voice almost sounded soft this early in the morning. She swiftly got up as the excitement ran through her. She looked out of the window, the London in short distance, growing. She was struck with amazement from this new place. She knew every street in Oxford. And maybe, one day, she could know London just as well.

Another memory was brought to the front of her consciousness as her hand started pounding all over again. She didn't want to show any more weakness but she couldn't help and grimaced at that. Lyra really tried to be discreet as she rubbed her forehead, but it didn't escape the attention of Stelmaria, who softly growled and Lord Asriel was looking at her intently when she finally turned around, her face stoic mask, as she tried not to show any sign of discomfort. Pantalaimon, shadowcat, growled back at Stelmaria, but it was a careful growl, almost curious.

"How often do you have headaches?" asked her uncle carefully.

Lyra just shrugged. "Not that often. They're more of the matter of last few days, really. It's nothing."

He frowned, visibly unsatisfied with her answer, but said nothing. Lyra just thought about _other_ London. She immediately spotted many similarities, even from the distance, but differences too. And there were so many. Two worlds were just shaped differently and one small choice leads to another as two towns grew in different directions. It was kind of enlightening, this new look at the world. But also terrifying. She thought about the city in the sky and Dust passing from one world to another, once again thinking that she had to find out more about this mysterious Dust. The way scholars were talking about it, and it had to be important and if Lord Asriel of all people researched it...

"I have to be in the White Hall soon. I can't take you to the meeting itself but there are places to see in the building itself. You can find interesting things if you will be discreet. There's also a library, although if I remember correctly, you are not really a keen book reader."

 _I really wasn't. But I'm not so sure anymore. About anything._ She smirked. She had to find about the Dust anyway. "Sounds good to me."

A small smile formed on Lord Asriel's lips as they finally stopped. He motioned in her direction. "Come on. We have to go. I have a meeting to attend."

She looked at him curiously with the corner of her eye, remembering how he talked about needing to sleep for three days. Yet, here he was, attending political meetings in little time he had before his next expedition. _How childish it was, living a carefree life in Jordan!_ Disobeying everyone around her, not wanting to learn anything that wasn't necessary for the middle of all that knowledge. How much time did she waste? She remembered other Lyra, striving for knowledge, reading every book she could get her hands on, occupying her father's precious free time asking him to explain this or that.

"What is it?"

"I'm just so... childish."

"You are still a child. And I'm glad for that, even if this isn't the safest time to be one. Admitting it is one of the most adult things you can do. We all have to remember who we are and we shouldn't try to hide it. Our daemons will tell the whole world anyway and then we just seem dishonest. That doesn't mean we can't try to be better. To change. And one of the many advantages of being a child is that it is much easier to change. Unfortunately, most people don't recognize their mistakes until it's too late. I made a terrible mistake years ago. I don't regret it, but now I know I could have handled things differently."

"But daemons of adults can't change, can they?"

"You see Lyra, that's where most people are wrong. Even if daemon it's settled, it can continue to grow. Sometimes it can slightly change its body color or eyes color. And sometimes, under a lot of pressure, maybe some traumatic on in other way life-changing experience it can even transform into different species. It isn't unlimited, of course. Look at Stelmaria. Maybe she could change into a tiger in very specific circumstances, but it is impossible for her to change into a dolphin. Even slight changes are very rare and dangerous. I've seen one daemon die after he changed just from one dog race to another. But it isn't impossible. Do you know that Butler's daemon wasn't always a setter?"

"Really?"

"No. It was just some common dog, but his daemon changed when he acquired his position."

"I have never known that."

"It was never something he loved to talk about. He never liked to be reminded that once he was just some common servant."

She didn't even notice the building they were going into. It was inconspicuous from the outside, but inside nearly took her breath away. They were suddenly in a long hall. Nearly everything was made of white marble and there were doors everywhere. One of the servants immediately rushed to welcome Lord Asriel. They talked for a few moments, her uncle pointing at her at some point. Then he just tapped her shoulder and left her there. He went to the door at the end of the hall without the slightest hint of hesitation. She stood there for a minute but then went to search for the library. Everyone seemed to already know that she arrived with Lord Asriel and they left her alone. She was free to do what she was best at. She made sure to scan every single one of the doors before she settled for the library. She spent a lot of time in the library, mostly with scholars who tried to teach her this or that, but she could count the times when she deliberately tried to find a particular book on one hand. Her counterpart from another world, however...

She was walking between the shelves like a born librarian. Lyra quickly found the section about experimental theology but proceeded carefully from there on. The way scholars talked about Dust, the way Lord Asriel didn't want to talk about it suggested that it was an obscure topic to say at least. She didn't want any questions, especially considered that she had very limited knowledge on the actual topic of experimental theology. The Cassington Scholar told her it was just kind of a fairy tale and she was very keen to believe him. She casually walked past the section, while Pan was looking around at the titles, sitting on her shoulders in the form of tomcat.

"There," Pantalaimon whispered into her ear as they neared the end of the section.

She quickly grabbed the book Pantalaimon spotted while walking, trying to hide it as best as she could. She took a seat in the very back of the library, brought her feet on the armchair so she could hide the title of the book and slowly opened it. She noticed that the book looked recently printed and Pantalaimon didn't find any other books on the topic of Dust. She turned first few pages and she started reading. And she read. She read about Boris Mikhailovitch Rusakov and she read about original sin. She read about hideous experiments from middle-ages and about new concepts that people suggested could replace them. She involuntarily shivered. To separate a child from his daemon... It was disgusting.

"I didn't think many children even heard about Dust." She rubbed her forget as the random memory flashed through her mind. Too quickly to recognize what it was about without thinking about it. Still, it was strong emotion attached to it that worried her.

Fear.

Lyra was sure, that even if there was an infinite number of her, they would have one thing in common. They were no cowards. And so when she felt fear so intensely she knew this woman meant nothing short of mortal danger. There was the only thing she could do. Lord Asriel told her to be honest about who she was, but that didn't mean she had to be honest about everything else. She carefully changed her face to a mask of total confusion.

"Everyone knows about dust, madam." Pantalaimon did everything he could to not move as he lay on the ground in the form of a shadowcat.

"Yes, I suppose that child who came here with Lord Asriel would think that. You came with Lord Asriel, didn't you? Everyone was talking about you, so I had to find you myself. My name is Marisa Coulter. It's nice to meet you."

She reluctantly took her hand, knowing that she had to play along. Lyra's face radiated with innocence as she continued with her lies.

"But madam, of course, everyone knows about dust. Servants sweep it off the shelves every week and we cough if there's too much of it. But now you, as well as this book talk about it as of something obscure. There is this section, about the guy that was supposed to discover it, and it is really confusing. I can't wrap my head around it. I keep rereading it over and over and I can't get to the next section."

Ms. Coulter was just smiling and nodding as Lyra was talking and gesturing, trying to explain her confusion. She seemed to believe her, although her daemon, golden monkey narrowed her eyes.

"Oh, my dear. I think there was a misunderstanding between us. As you can see, that book is really confusing, certainly not meant for children. If you want, I will help you find a much better book about dust, what do you say?"

She gave her the book without hesitation. She read all important parts anyway. What was left unread were just parts when some obviously religious scholar talked about the God and heaven and hell and how are we all doomed if don't find a way to get rid of the Dust.

"Marisa." She never heard so much hatred concentrated in that harsh voice. She didn't hear so much hatred concentrated in any voice, period.

"Asriel."

"What are you doing here?"

"I am here to see your... family I presume?"

"Well, you can see her later. We are kind of in a hurry."

"I'm sorry to hear that. But I'm sure I'll see her again. She will be at the Jordan college when you leave for the North, right? I wasn't there for almost eleven years. I was planning to visit it soon anyway. Maybe I could take Lyra with me for at least a few weeks. I'm sure she would like to see everything I would show her."

Lord Asriel froze on the spot as Lyra felt a new wave of hatred radiating from him. This one wasn't controlled and she could see Stelmaria openly growling now. It went away as quickly as it came, and Lord Asriel quickly grabbed her, turned and started to walk away, holding her wrist harshly, as if afraid she would run back to Ms. Coulter if he slightly released his grip. He didn't have to be afraid of that, though. Lyra's mistrust was only deepened as their conversation went on. Pan was jogging in the form of a shadowcat on one side, Stelmaria on the other.

"You won't let her take me, will you?"Lyra asked as her uncle slowed down a bit and released her hand free. She tried to shake it out. He almost broke it. He glanced at her curiously.

"You don't like her?"

Lyra just shrugged. She couldn't very well explain to him why she wasn't fond of her from the very beginning. She could, however, imagine that the woman was charming for many. "There is just something about her rubbing me the wrong way."

"Of course I won't. Although it, unfortunately, means you can't go back to Jordan. It's no longer safe."

Lyra bit her lip. Jordan was her home and if she couldn't go to expedition she would like to stay there. But the fear of Ms Coulter was still very much present so she didn' protest. "So where _can_ I go?"

"I don't know, child. I honestly don't know. Now, tell me, what did you learn about Dust."

Lyra managed a small smile. "I read everything except those rumblings about how we are all doomed."

Lord Asriel shortly laughed. "I thought you might go find a book about it as soon as the opportunity comes," he said amusedly but then frowned. "Although I couldn't predict who will catch you reading it. I would rather be if you didn't persuade the topic anymore, Lyra. I would be surprised if you found any other eleven years old aware of the existence of Dust. You have time. Wait at least a few months. Although, I can answer any question about that alethiometer of yours. There are also different books about it than the one you snatched from the library. More advanced. I don't know why would Master give it to you, but you might as well try to learn how to use it."

"Were you looking through my things?"

"I didn't need to," answered her uncle calmly. He didn't elaborate further though, once again frustrating her to no end.

"So how long will you stay before going North?"

"Maybe a week. I need to prepare some things. And I need to figure out what to do with you."

Lord Asriel's apartment was spacious and luxurious, but strangely impersonal. She supposed it would look something like that with all that time he had spent on the expeditions. Lord Asriel wasn't a sentimental man in the first place. She sat on the armchair near the fire, reading a book she had sneaked from the Jordan. Lord Asriel was meanwhile preparing for his next expedition, writing letters, planning routes, talking with a lot of people. Lyra was curious, but he didn't look to be in a mood to be distracted so she just quietly sat and watched what he was doing. She could now understand the concept behind the alethiometer and she knew it worked thanks to Dust, but the book didn't have any further instructions on how to use it. She took it from her pocket every once in a while and opened it, staring at it as time ran bys. Lord Asriel never said a word, mostly leaving her alone, although sometimes he looked at her curiously. It was late afternoon when he finally stopped, put his hands above his and yawned as some big cat. He was obviously tired and his daemon was urging him to stop for quite some time. He took a break from work, but it didn't mean he would just sit and relax.

"Come on, child. I will take you outside. You didn't come to London to sit inside and read a book."

She was glad that she could finally go outside. Reading book was alright and alethiometer fascinated her, capturing her attention like almost nothing else could, but it started to get boring. She was even looking through Lord Asriel's books but most of them were on the topics she was never really interested in and they were well advanced, lacking any basics. Although she did, in fact, find some books she could imagine herself reading even now.

"Do you like it?"

"Of course. It's different than Oxford, I don't know it's secrets but I guess that's part of its charm. It's the opportunity to learn all those things once again. It looks kind of distant though, not like Oxford."

"You know Oxford. You belong there. You are watching London from outside, not inside." Lyra had to admit that he knew London very well.

"And what about you? Do you look at London from the inside?" asked Lyra, honestly curious.

"I used to. I lived here for some time when I was a child. But I don't really spend here so much time anymore. It has changed while I was gone. I feel more home in the North, honestly. But I will never be part of the true North. Now I'm just person in the world, I guess. I lost something, but I gained something back and I can't say I ever regretted it. I sometimes feel sorry for not belonging to one particular place anymore, but to regret it? No."

Lyra was looking at him curiously. He never really talked to her like that before, there wasn't time for that anyways. But now that he finally talked, she could understand him a little bit more. She didn't doubt he was still the same man whose daemon hurt Pantalaimon yesterday after he got angry or the one who almost broke her wrist today, but she also realized that it was also much more complicated.

Her uncle took her to see some important buildings, most of which she remembered from other Lyra's memories. He also showed her hidden streets where he spent time as a child. Somehow, she felt like on a real expedition. And she had a whole new city to explore. She could spend years looking for every secret London had to offer. Pantalaimon was running around, constantly changing his form to better fit his environment. In the end, he settled for the cat as he jumped around excitedly, to the amusement of both Lord Asriel and Stelmaria. It was dark outside when they finally came back to Lord Asriel's apartment and Thorold was already waiting for them. He didn't go with them directly to London as he ran some errands for Lord Asriel, but he was back now. It was almost midnight when she lay in the soft bed. She almost thought that he wouldn't have a spare room in his apartment, but he surprisingly had a place for her to stay. But he had money after all, so there wouldn't be the reason for him not to have it. There had to be some important people visiting him. She was calm when she fell asleep, completely exhausted. She was curled around Pantalaimon, a big white wolf who was as exhausted as she was.

It was _her_ room. He had it made years ago when he bought this apartment after acquiring some of his lost wealth back, but he never expected her to actually sleep in it. Sometimes he hoped that maybe someday she could. But at the same time, he didn't want to take responsibility for her, or to form some bond that would make him act irrationally. And there were people who wouldn't allow it. She was safe at Jordan, safer than she could ever be with him and that was enough. But everything changed today. He was actually glad that he took her to London. He would just go north and the Coulter woman could just take her without any warning. He was reminded today exactly why he hated her so much. She was dangerous. For most people only until they saw behind her charm if they ever did. Yet he saw behind that charm and she was so deadly to him all the same.

"We have to keep her safe, Stelmaria."

"Is it even possible with _them_ going after her?" Stelmaria was strangely calm. As if she had already found a solution, yet she had opted not to tell him.

"I don't know. You have something in mind?"

"Maybe. You wouldn't like it."

"I bet I wouldn't. Still, you know the stakes."

"There's still some time left. You will think of it eventually." There was a long pause before Lord Asriel decided to speak again.

"Why now, Stelmaria? All those years and now she just walks back to the girl's life, challenging me, acting like she can take her away anytime. And the worst thing is that maybe… just maybe, she really can."

"Then perhaps it would be much safer for her to be in the world without Coulter?"

"She won't approve. You know she won't. She is just a child. Doesn't understand that some things have to be done no matter what. We don't know all the details, but we know what kind of sacrifice we need."

"A child."

"Yes."

"Does she have to now?"

"How exactly would you plan to keep it secret from her? She is not exactly stupid."

"No. But she idolizes you most of the time."

"She doesn't know me. I would have to spend time with her. A lot of time. It will be a miracle if she won't come to hate me in the end."

"And when exactly did it matter to you? She will be safe."

"Never."

"So, when will you tell her?"

"I still want to think about it. Maybe we could take her to gyptians? They had a certain interest in her if I remember correctly."

"They're not strong enough to protect her it if Coulter really wants to take her."

"Still, I want to think about it. It won't hurt anyone."

"Just you. You should make up your mind and rest."

"Should I? Well, the fact is, Stelmaria, that I still have a work to do."

"The fact is that you are sloppy and ineffective when you are exhausted and you know it as well as I do. Don't be irrational, Asriel." The angry look that Asriel gave Stelmaria was mirrored in his daemon face. He calmed down a bit and laughed shortly. Arguing with his own daemon about sleep. That was just ridiculous.

"Look at us, Stelmaria. Maybe we really need a sleep before anything else."

"I should think so."

He saw her growing up and he saw what she had the potential to be. Yet, he was stunned at how much she has grown up since the last time he has seen her. He watched her as she read his books in her morning, her daemon in front of the armchair in the form of white shadowcat. She studied math, and armored bears. She read about north and about the alethiometer. And he watched her in the afternoons, exploring London with the white cat right behind her, climbing the rooftops when she thought he wasn't watching. Her daemon still hasn't settled and Lord Asriel would be surprised if he did anytime soon, but he didn't seem to change his form that often and Asriel was glad for it. He couldn't be entirely sure what was her mother capable of and he knew he hadn't had a long time before someone would try to take Lyra from him. Coulter was just one of the candidates.

The week had flown by and his preparations were almost over. It was time to talk to Lyra. He made his decision three days ago and he knew himself enough to be sure that he won't be changing his mind, but he remembered Lyra as a child that was making up stories, boasting to everyone around her so he still didn't completely trust her to keep a secret, even if she was constantly proving him how much she has grown up. Lord Asriel almost felt guilty. Almost. He just couldn't risk it.

"Lyra."

"Yes, uncle Asriel?" he could never stop bitterness every time she called him _uncle._ Magisterium did this. _Coulter_ did this. Her daemon, once again in the form of shadowcat, lazily sat up and twitched his ears as she put her book aside.

"You remembered how I told you that you can't go back to Jordan?"

"It was kind of hard to forget." He just smirked as she looked at him with the mischief in her eyes. Cheeky brat. Sometimes she reminded him how Marisa was before she was obsessed with the church. Marisa that was free.

"I came to the conclusion that it would be the best to hide you in the plain sight."

"Meaning? That I'm going back to Jordan anyway, but as a kitchen servant?"

"That would be one solution. But no, I had something different in mind."

She didn't answer. She and her daemon just looked at him curiously. He wouldn't do it if she was the same girl he talked with almost a year ago, no matter the circumstances. But now he knew that she was ready and Magisterium won't soon have any power over them anyway.

"Do you still want to go to the North with me?"


	3. 3 TRAVELLING NORTH

**CHAPTER 3- TRAVELLING NORTH**

Thorold went to Jordan with a letter for Master. He had orders to then continue via normal route. Lyra wasn't entirely sure what normal route meant, but they apparently weren't taking it.

"There are more comfortable ways to travel north," told her Lord Asriel. "Although I used to go North this way all the time, when I was younger. My father always insisted that I should go by a zeppelin. I always went by boat or I hired an aeronaut, just to defy him. I found other things to defy later."

They were supposed to hire an aeronaut in Trollesund. But for now she was stuck on a ship. And she made the best of it. Lord Asriel immediately introduced her to one of the crew members, a man named Jerry. Jerry was a stout and placid man. He was friendly enough and he always told her interesting stories. She often followed him around, wanting to learn more about sea life. She thought, maybe one day, she could be a sailor. She would explore oceans like her uncle was exploring the North.

But Lyra still had plenty of free time. So she found herself staring at the alethiometer more often than not. She had many questions and the alethiometer could finally give her answers. Her uncle explained to her what she couldn't understand from the books and she already learned the basic meaning of all the symbols, intuitively seeing other meanings behind them as she watched needle flicker from symbol to symbol. She randomly moved three needles thinking about the ways she could ask questions. She felt like she finally found something beside climbing the rooftops that she could be good at. It was coming very slowly, but Lord Asriel told her that it usually took years, even decades to learn how to properly use alethiometer and even then the scholars who read it needed proper books. She had some of those books. She used them when she needed confirmation of some symbol. When he wasn't busy, Lord Asriel often watched her as she was working with an alethiometer, something unidentifiable in his expression.

"How do you do that?" he asked her once.

"Reading alethiometer?"

"Yes."

"Asking isn't that hard. I find three most important words and I think about which of the symbols it resembles the most. It's easier now that I remember basic meanings. If I'm not sure I look it up. To get answers is more complicated. I mostly write down symbols and try to think about how they can connect to my question and to each other. I write down the ideas and look for other similar meanings in the I just sort of connect them. I don't always succeed in finding the right combination of meaning but I can always come back to it the next day and I usually figure it out eventually. I almost always ask silly things, or things that I already know the answers to because that way I can verify if I translated symbols correctly and I often learn new meaning of this or that symbol. It's much easier to remember it this way as opposed to trying to remember everything in the books. But you know how to read Alethiometer, right? Alethiometer told me you do."

"It was mild interest of mine for years. I can use it with enough time and proper books but there are people who can do it much more quickly and more precisely. I never saw someone do it as intuitively as you can, though. I think you accidently found that you have rare talent, Lyra. I also think that, with enough time and more studies you can be one of the best, if not the best in this field. "

"Thank you, uncle Asriel."

The one thing she tried to avoid was sleep. Sleep was where the memories started to creep in. She dreamt about her father and sometimes she dreamt about the golden woman. She dreamt about the big house. And she dreamt about a boy with straight black eyebrows, dark hair and a strong, jutting jaw. He had fierce dark eyes and she knew that he was her best friend. But she dreamt about the darkness at the end of every night. Darkness so powerful that it could swallow the whole universe. She always woke up with the memory of that darkness, sweaty and confused. She couldn't fall asleep afterwards, so she got out on the deck, walking around, trying to calm down. Lyra had to remind herself in which world she was, but the borders between two worlds, once so clear, started to blur. She knew that Pantalaimon was real, because he was always right beside her, but she couldn't be sure about anything else. Was her best friend Roger Parslow or Will Parry? Was Lord Asriel her father or her uncle? She had to remind herself over and over so she could give people the right answers, although she knew that everything she remembered was true and she couldn't pretend otherwise. Pan has changed and she had to change too. Accept who she was.

"What will we do, Pan?" He was right there, pine marten, watching the night sky beside her. At that moment she thought that even if all other things went wrong, he would be there, always beside her. Inseparable.

"We will do whatever will need to be done, Lyra. Whatever will be kind and right thing to do. But beyond that I'm not really sure, Lyra. Sometimes when I'm in this form, I have this weird feeling of nostalgia. Like this is who I was supposed to become. But then I have this weird feeling that I will never be able to. That we changed too much. Something was given to us, but at the moment, it sure seems that a lot has been taken from us too."

"Remember when we didn't want you to stop changing? It seems so long ago, but it isn't, really. And suddenly I wouldn't mind it. But it seems like some choices were taken from us. Like I can never be the person I was."

"I guess that's the price for knowledge," whispered Pantalaimon, now curled up in Lyra's hands. He was slowly falling asleep and Lyra knew she was too so she returned to her bed. The sleep always creeped on her in the end.

One night she found a woman with black hair talking to Lord Asriel. They were standing close to each other and her daemon, bluethroat, was flying around Stelmaria. The woman turned around almost immediately, looking at her with the sparkling black eyes. Her daemon abandoned Stelmaria to sit on her shoulder.

"Is this the child?"

"Yes," Lord Asriel replied stiffly.

"Interesting."

"How did you get here?" asked impatient Lyra.

"I'm a witch. We can use cloud pines to fly. I came here to talk with Lord Asriel."

"What are you doing here, Lyra? It's the middle of the night," asked Lyra her uncle.

"I couldn't sleep so I came here," answered Lyra, still looking at a woman. _A witch._ She noticed that she wasn't wearing any furs, despite the fact that it was cold outside as they neared the north. "What's your name?"

"Ruta Skadi."

Lya nodded. "It was nice to meet you, Ruta Skadi." She knew she wouldn't sleep that night anymore, but she went to her cabin anyway. She had a feeling that she shouldn't interrupt them, even if there were many questions burning on her tongue.

In the morning there was no indication that Ruta Skadi or the bluethroat have ever visited Lord Asriel. She didn't want to ask her uncle but she kept staring at him until he was forced to answer. His answer wasn't very telling.

"I needed something for my experiment."

She was finally reminded of the fear of him. There seemed to be more madness in his eyes since he met Ruta Skadi. Impatience and fidgeting. But there was also a resolve, that told Lyra that he will not stop before anything to do whatever it was he wanted to do. She tried to ignore it, but Pan didn't let her. They had to be vigilant. She wouldn't let him do something he would regret.

It was a strange feeling experiencing so much rush after the calming, almost boring travelling on the ship. There was a strange man waiting for them in the harbor. His daemon was a huge black wolf and there was something wrong with the look in his eyes. She didn't feel comfortable near him so she went exploring while Lord Asriel talked to him.

"Tartar from Sibirsk Regiment. I paid him to tell me about Coulter. It seems that Svalbard is a dangerous place nowadays."

"Who did she hire?"

"Armoured bears. Every single one. It will be difficult to avoid them."

"There is one outcast right in the city. Maybe he will have some useful information."

"Alethiometer?"

"I don't need an Alethiometer to know that," Lyra smirked, grinning cheekily. "Everybody is talking about it. He arrived just recently. They got him drunk and then took his armour."

"Ask alethiometer what would he like in exchange for the information."

"I don't need an alethiometer for that either. He would like his sky-iron back. It's the property of a village now."

"I will talk to them. I can buy his armour back."

"Armoured bear is valuable _and_ dangerous even without his armour. Maybe you could just tell him about the armour location. He will owe you a debt."

"Where is it?" asked Lord Asriel.

"In the cellar of the local priest's house."

"He will tear the place down, Lyra."

"Most likely."

"They will blame me. Half of this town is already alert that I'm here and Magisterium's as well as Coulter's spies will be onto us within a few hours. We need to move quickly. We don't need to act for the information of questionable usefulness or significance."

"Armoured bear owing debt is useful whether he holds valuable information or not. I can tell him. They won't suspect it was me. You can find an alibi."

He was looking at her for a very long time before he finally nodded. "Are you sure you can do this?"

"I do. I asked the alethiometer. I know his story, so I know his motivation. I know part of him."

"It's terrifying how much you sometimes resemble your mother. I will go find an aeronaut."

Her mother?

She tried to tell herself that there wasn't a fear in her as she made her way to the sledge depot. Pantalaimon was in the form of a big white wolf to comfort her, but she knew that he wanted to change to a mouse and hide somewhere in her clothes. The great bear was working outside the largest of the concrete sheds. She watched him from afar as he was working on the tractor, removing metal covering the engine, buckling him and turning it in his hands, shaping it one way or another, lifting it as if it were cardboard. She could hear her heart beating as she slowly but steadily approached him. She was clutching Pantalaimon's fur until her knuckles turned white. She thought herself to be ready for this, but he was so massive, so alien...

"Iorek Byrnison." She tried to stay still as he turned around to face her. Pantalaimon softly growled.

"Yes?"

"I have an offer for you."

"What kind of an offer?" The bear didn't seem very welcoming, but he seemed to tolerate her for now. She had to be brief.

"I know something you want to know. You know something I want to know."

"What exactly do you want?"

"Everything you know about Iofur Raknison and his kingdom."

He suddenly landed on all four paws, slowly approaching. She looked at those paws of his. One swing and she would be dead. Did she go too far? Pan started to growl, showing his sharp fangs. "You think I will trade my honor for some useless information?"

"I know where your armour is. Panserbjørne hold their word. I will tell you where it is and if you won't find it you don't have to tell me anything. There's also something else I know. I know that Iofur Raknison used a drug on the bear you fought."

"How would you know all these things? Did Iofur send you?" He was prepared to attack her. She saw it in his eyes. At that moment emotions overwhelmed him. Those eyes were more human than bear's. Suddenly they were available, readable. Not outside her reach.

"I got a symbol reader. It tells the truth but it takes a long time to properly read it. That's why it would be better if you could tell me what you know." He calmed down and she suddenly knew he could tell if she lied or not. She thought it interesting enough to stare for later. Did all Panserbjørnes have this gift or was this something specific to Iorek Byrnison?

"You've got yourself a deal. Where is it?"

"They hide it in the cellar of the priest's house. You will find it easily."

"Thank you, child. What's your name?"

"Lyra Belacqua."

"I owe you a great debt, Lyra Belacqua."

"Not if you give me that information."

He turned and lurched away, swiftly padding across the freezing ground. She knew she shouldn't run after him, but it was very tempting. A girl who came here with Lord Asriel, running after an armoured bear would be too suspicious. Still, she didn't want to miss the spectacle. "You will help me out Pan, right?"

"With your ridiculous, reckless actions? You know I always do."

He changed into a hawk, flew up as far as he could without both of them hurting and scanned streets in front of him. They had an idea where the priest's house was and they could fit in streets armoured bears could not. With a bit of luck they would reach their destination only shortly after the bear.


	4. ARMOUR COVERED IN BLOOD

She didn't expect this. She would be faster if she anticipated something like this could have happened. This much hatred, the power of revenge. She arrived just in time to see the flying head of a policeman roll to her feet. She couldn't stop looking at it in shock as Pantalaimon hid into her pocket, mouse-formed. There were more screams but they seemed distant. She wasn't prepared for this, for such bloodshed. Just a few meters before her, to her left, there was a crushed skull of another policeman. And more screams. This wasn't supposed to happen. She couldn't let this go on. She had to stop it. The information wasn't important anymore. These people were. They didn't deserve this, just because few of the worse ones wronged Iorek. She darted forward, Pantalaimon changing once again into a hawk, ready to scratch the bear's eyes out if necessary.

"Iorek! Iorek Byrnison!" He was too far gone. She has seen it in his eyes. But she had to try.

"You owe me a debt, remember? I don't care about that information anymore, alright? Just stop it, please?" She was standing between a bear and another policeman, looking up fiercely. Iorek was standing on two legs, ready to strike again. The sound that came out of his mouth was nothing short of a roar. For a moment she thought this would be the end of her, but then he dropped on all fours and walked away. Nobody even tried to stop him, everyone was in a state of shock. She used the situation to her advantage, disappearing immediately. She screwed this up and now there were dead people. She couldn't believe it. She didn't even blame the bear, although now she was more aware and wary of him. But she should have anticipated this, be faster, or even better, she shouldn't have meddled with this at all. She slowly walked to the sea, watching where the bear had gone, leaving his armour behind. She was on the verge of tears again and Pantalaimon was trembling in her pocket as a mouse.

"That went well." Lyra's shoulders hunched further down, not wanting to look up at him. People were dead because of her and now they had to leave, because surely someone has seen her and if they don't run they will soon be in the hands of the police. She was the cause of unwanted attention that she and her father tried to avoid. It was all one big mess.

"Asriel!" she was surprised at the obvious anger, even fury in Stelmaria's voice. She was usually so quiet… She guessed she really messed everything up this time.

"Sorry," Asriel said. What? Lyra looked up. She didn't understand. She messed up didn't she.

"What do you mean?" Lyra asked.

"See? I told you this would happen. You're insensitive, Asriel," Stelmaria continued to growl. At this point, even Pantalaimon tentatively came out of her pocket, changing into a wildcat, but still shivering. Stelmaria huffed frustratedly and scruffed him, laying him down beside her, when she started to gently grooming him. Lord Asriel sat down beside her. He seemed to hesitate, his hand hovering above her, but then he seemed to decide as he put a hand over her shoulders, bringing her closer to him.

"I'm sorry because you shouldn't have had to see that. I'm sorry because I shouldn't have left you to do something like that, talking to panserbjørn alone. I shouldn't have left you out of your depth, I should have at least warned you. I know a thing or two about revenge and anger after all. And I'm sorry that you can't be safe in Jordan and that things will get even more complicated from now on."

"What do we do know?"

"I think now we hire a bear," answered Lord Asriel. They sat there, looking at the water. After some time, Lyra became restless.

"How much time do we have before they come looking for us?"

"They were in quite a shock. I think we have at least an hour."

Lyra nodded. She felt awful but it also felt nice to sit here with her uncle. She looked sadly at the armour near her. It was dripping with blood. She wished it wouldn't. She watched the bear as he emerged from the water, dragging dead seal behind him. He was silent as he rubbed strips of blubber all over his armour. He calmly finished his job and looked up at them.

"I understand you are after information?" asked the bear finally.

"Yes. We would like to know about Iofur Raknison. Is it true that he wants to have a daemon?" answered him Asriel.

"Iofur is vain. What he wants is to be a human, to be seen as equal in front of the church and he believes that he will manage that by obtaining daemon, so yes, there's nothing he wants more and wouldn't do to obtain it."

"How possible would it be to avoid him while working on Svalbard?"

"Impossible," answered Iorek Byrninson with a growl. "You can't avoid panserbjørn on Svalbard. It's their home, not yours."

"Their?" asked Lyra tentatively.

"I'm in an exile. I fought with another bear and lost control." Lyra pursed her lips. So it wasn't a one-time occurence. She involuntarily shivered. Would they be in danger if they hired him? Would supposed protector turn into an enemy in a fit of passion? Then again, she often seemed to be around people like that. Her uncle was definitely like that. Even she was.

"Looks like we can't avoid them, so we will have to fight. What do you say, Iorek Byrnison? You may not be one of the Svalbard bears anymore but you are still a panserbjørn. War is your life isn't it? I can offer you work." It was quite a proposition. For the first time, Lyra started thinking about how do you hire an armoured bear. What do they even value? Iorek Byrnison didn't strike her as someone who found much value in gold.

"You want me to fight against my own kind?" growled Iorek. Lyra felt that they were walking on thin ice right then.

"I don't mean to cause more casualties than I have to. Iofur is just inconvenient for me right now. Besides, by the rumors that I heard about him and by the way you talk about him, I don't think you like him either. I kind of think he is kind of a disgrace to the bears, really. Weren't you supposed to be a king? Having an heir would certainly dramatically lessen the casualties don't you think?" It was time to get the bear on his side, Asriel thought. Lyra looked at her uncle, stunned. She didn't know that. Did he plan to get the bear on his side from the start?

"I told you I'm in an exile. We don't think about these things as you humans do. I won't be that much of a help. But I owe this child a debt. She believed in me and I lost control again. People here have good reason to fear me. I want to make it up to the child. I will follow her wherever she goes."

Asriel nodded, understanding that armour meant a lot for bears. "Well, however it is, we have to keep moving. You drew attention to yourself and in turn to Lyra. And remember this, Iorek Byrnison. Whatever happens, whatever other ambitions I have and whatever you will see me do, my first priority is keeping her safe."

Lyra looked at him wide-eyed, and couldn't believe what she's just heard. Of course she knew that he cared in his own way, but he never seemed to have time for her. She always thought that if it came down to him choosing between her and his work, he would choose his work. He had done it many times in the past. Yet he stood here, saying that her safety was his first priority. She couldn't quite wrap her mind around it. Then again. Maybe her safety and her wellbeing and his attention were completely different things. But him declaring something like that was still shocking. And at that moment, she understood a little bit more about him. Suddenly she could imagine that uncle she knew in this world and the father from the other could be the same person. And the world started to make just a little bit more sense, some of its colour and wonder returned. The places that were torn were mended. Pantalaimon turned into a pine marten with red-brown fur and a patch of cream-white around his throat. It was the first time he changed color since that moment in the wardrobe.


End file.
